Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is my gift to your gina
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
