i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I touched a dick in church today
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
