Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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