I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
