Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
