Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
