a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
