Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
