K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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