Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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