I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
