I think I am morally bankrupt
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
