a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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