So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
