Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
