apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
