there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
