i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
