A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize