Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
