I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
my penis made a compromise with my morals
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
