I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
