I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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