It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
