Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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