so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
