Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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