I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
