Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
