I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I could fuck to npr.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
