i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Randomize
