I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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