my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
