at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
