I just threw up on my dentist
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
