so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
