Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
