yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize