I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
