When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I love you.
Bad choice
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
