I just pynch a tree in the face
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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