I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He did a backflip because drugs
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