you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
