i think i scared a bird with my dick
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
