I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
