Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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