i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
