she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
