I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
