Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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