Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
