if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I wear drunk well.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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