I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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