So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
