Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
