I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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