WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
