I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
