we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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