i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
