shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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