Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
