I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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