the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
