i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
