Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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