Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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